The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
