I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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