I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
