my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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