it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
