If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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