Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize