I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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