Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
