Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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