the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
