Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My vagina just clenched in fear
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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