I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
