i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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