I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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