so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
