My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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