If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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