I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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