I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
