she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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