Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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