Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
