Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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