This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
