The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
