Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
