And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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