Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
