Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
