Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
