you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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