If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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