I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
