did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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