I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
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