Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There's always time for handjobs
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
