I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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