Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
