thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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