If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
and she was petting her beer can
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
