Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
