A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize