I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
4 words: hood of his car
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
