i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
