Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I need a beard to bite.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize