The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
