I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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