Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
