Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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