Four minutes until I can fart!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
