Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
