I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
