I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
