Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
