How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Every concussion has its silver lining
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
