so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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