I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
