He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
