Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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