Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
