hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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