I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
