i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize